Scenes from a Monday

Today is my first official day as a stay-at-home-mom (on which more later). Given that the babies don't know one day from another, you'd think that Monday mornings wouldn't be any worse than any other day. However, I offer the following contradictory evidence:

2:30 AM -- Be woken by crying baby. Decide babies' schedule was thrown off by late-evening in-law visit. Feed, and hope babies will now sleep for four or five hours.

5:30 AM -- Be woken by crying baby. Curse in-laws vigorously.

8:30 AM -- Be woken by happy cooing baby. Change diaper and apply grapefruit-seed extract, mupirocin ointment in nose, and Nystatin (aka Sticky Banana Goo).

8:31 AM -- Get shirt covered in regurgitated Sticky Banana Goo.

8:50 AM -- Repeat process with second baby, including second application of Sticky Banana Goo to shirt.

9:10 AM -- Apply gentian violet to both babies' mouths and to nipples. Inadvertently apply to babies' ears, mama's thumb, the bathroom counter, and probably a stray poodle or two.

9:15-9:30 AM -- Inadvertently apply gentian violet to onesies, blankets, burp cloths, and pack-n-play, courtesy of spitty babies. Laugh at babies' purple mouths.

9:31 AM -- Decide that purple-mouthed babies can be Elvira for Halloween, thereby superseding previous costume idea of Babies Whose Mother Is Too Lazy For Halloween Costumes.

9:32 AM -- Wonder who the dickens decided that babies should all dress up for Halloween, anyway. Curse Halloween vigorously.

9:35 AM -- Replace Katherine's paci in mouth for 537th time.

9:37 AM -- Give up on paci replacement, pick up Katherine, and rock her.

9:39 AM -- Notice warm wet feeling, and discover that Katherine has peed through a) diaper b) onesie c) blanket d) mama's t-shirt.

10:30 AM -- Time to feed again. Give babies more Sticky Banana Goo and vitamin drops. Admire how vitamin drop stains on onesies coordinate with gentian violet and Sticky Banana Goo stains on onesies.

10:31 AM -- Curse thrush and all its medicaments vigorously. Make note to self to buy stock in Oxi-Clean.

10:45 AM -- While feeding Claire, notice warm wet feeling, and discover that Claire has peed through diaper, onesie, blanket, and t-shirt.

10:45 AM -- Curse self vigorously for deciding to try stupid Size 1 generic-brand diapers. Resolve to just go buy the Newborn Pampers after lunch. Preemptively curse Wal-Mart vigorously.

11:30 AM -- Realize Katherine has gentian violet in her hair. Look at sticky stained sour-milk-smelling babies, decide that the child-welfare people would take them away, and announce that it's bath time.

11:31 AM -- Go to get towels out of clean-but-unfolded laundry basket. Discover a slightly muddy-pawed poodle napping contentedly in the clean-but-unfolded laundry basket. Curse poodle vigorously.

11:32 AM -- Observe towels and half-heartedly brush dirt off them. Contemplate going upstairs for clean towels. Decide that they're probably clean enough, especially given the current state of the babies.

11:33 AM -- Deploy Weapon of Bath Destruction.

12:00 PM -- Observe washed, lotioned, de-stickied, mostly de-purpled, lavender-smelling babies sleeping peacefully and adorably in the co-sleeper. Give thanks that Monday morning is now over and done with!